When we look at these delicate wings that lift the dragonfly through the air,
we are aware that
we can see right through them!
They are transparent.
Light is shining through these wings!
And nothing is blocking our view.
Can you feel their freedom?
Can you see their beauty?
This is how transparency feels.
In a transparent relationship,
we can see right into the soul of the other person
and they can see right into ours.
We share everything within us
with each other.
Nothing is hidden.
Our souls are open
and we want it to be that way.
It is beautiful and trusting.
Such freedom is strong
but also as delicate as these wings.
With such freedom our relationship can fly.
Can take us both soaring into the sky.
Shall we explore what this takes?
Let’s DO this!
First transparency
One day when I was in grade school I was at the town library.
A boy in my class was there also.
He came over to my little table and sat down.
He told me his grandmother had just died.
Then he opened his heart and cried as he told me how much it hurt.
He shared all his pain with me.
I gently listened to him.
I had never had an experience like this before.
There was no distance, no block between us.
He was sharing his deepest emotions with me
and I was moved by his trust.
The next day at school, however, he did not come near me.
Did not even look at me.
I was astonished and dismayed.
When I got home I asked my mother about it.
She said he was probably embarrassed
that he had opened up like that
and maybe afraid to talk again.
I began to realize that being emotionally open is hard.
And that it means being vulnerable.
To be known
Yes, it IS hard to be emotionally open and transparent with another person.
But it is the only way we will ever be truly known.
And we cannot be truly loved without being truly known.
When we are truly loved, it is the deep and genuine core of us that is loved.
When we open our heart we allow another person in,
we allow them to find and connect with the central core of our being.
We see and are seen.
We know and are known.
This is what genuine intimacy is.
A rare state
Genuine intimacy is a rare state to be in with another person.
It takes time to become transparent with each other.
It only becomes possible when there is deep trust both ways.
Each person must dare to let down their guard.
Our fear is that we will regret revealing ourselves.
We fear we will be ridiculed or rejected—or in some other way live to regret it.
We fear that in some way we will be punished if we bare our souls.
Unfortunately, these things CAN happen and DO happen
if we trust the wrong person.
This is why we must choose carefully who we are transparent with.
When we meet someone, we need to ask:
Is this a person I would trust with my deepest feelings?
If the answer is no, it doesn’t matter what other good qualities they may have.
It will be impossible to build an intimate relationship with them.
But if the answer is yes…
If you would trust this person with your deepest feelings,
the place to begin is to listen.
Instead of making small talk about the weather,
ask questions that invite the person to share themselves with you at a deeper level.
Think of what you don’t yet know or understand about them and their life.
“What was the hardest part of your day today?” you could ask when they get home.
Such a question shows caring, and a willingness to hear their daily struggles.
Then just LISTEN. Don’t comment. Don’t switch to YOUR day.
Listen so you can learn what life is actually like for them.
Show them they don’t have to hide the tough stuff or pretend they are always strong.
When you ask “What’s the hardest part of your job (education/main activity)?”
you are sincerely inviting the other person to share their life struggles with you.
It is rare that anyone cares what our life struggles are!
In an intimate relationship, we DO care.
And we LISTEN with our whole heart.
“What part of your life do you love the most?” you may ask them.
Or “What is your favorite thing to do when you have free time?”
Questions such as these invite the other person to share their joys with you.
It is also rare that anyone cares what our joys are!
Show them YOU are rare.
Show them YOU care.
Ah…but do THEY care?
Do they ask you any of these questions in return?
If so, do they really listen?
Do they remember what you say?
Or do they want the entire focus on themselves?
A one-sided transparent relationship will not work.
It takes two to build this lovely freedom.
A person you can build with will be just as interested in getting to know YOU
as you are interested in getting to know THEM.
You will share both ways, and there will be a good balance
in the time and effort given to each other.
Going for afternoon walks, going for coffee—these are great ways to explore
whether a person you meet is someone with whom there is real potential
for building a transparent and intimate relationship.
Tender and aware
There are two words that describe the person who is capable of being
transparent and intimate with us:
tender and aware.
When we are with a person who is tender and aware, we feel safe.
We feel respected.
We can tell that our thoughts and feelings are important to this person.
They want to get to know who we are.
Our genuine self.
This person looks us in the eyes when they speak
and when we speak with them.
We feel seen.
We feel heard.
We feel understood.
They feel the same, and it is beautiful.
QUESTION:
Is there a person in your life with whom you could begin to build a transparent
relationship?
If you’re not ready for that just yet, try opening up your heart in a journal, in prayer, or
maybe go find and bring home a rescue dog or kitty. They would LOVE to listen to you!
And they will do their best to reply. 🙂
Let me know how it goes!
Dr. Hall